..thats all I feel like my brain does..is think of all the negative things in my life that it can whine about/ aka worry me.
I hate that close to everything that happens to me almost always is negative. It makes me ill really ...so ill to the point of not wanting to tell anyone anything anymore. I wind up paranoid that I will push my friends away by telling them things that have happend to me or are happening. Its like I am that friend we all get annoyed with that has nothing good to say. Dont get me wrong I WANT so damn badly to have a ton of good things to brag about but for some reason the bad just clouds that lil bit that happens...that being my kiddos. This is dragging me down as a mom...this negative life of mine. I want it to be done...all the negatives...I want the positive to start and never end.
Being scared right now is I guess normal for someone in my shoes however deep down I am scared shitless ...I cannot focus on it ...at least I can try to not focus on it. Gotta keep myself busy with my kids and crafting...cleaning but more so the kids and crafting. Lord knows I hate cleaning..lol.
Besides that I need to keep my brain off of computer land...sans my email and this blog I feel I get tempted to "check" and we all know what happens when I do...I get sick..upset...hurt all .over.again. Like for instance tonight. ...I was bored just got CBug to bed...nothing was going on online so I figured I would check my Plenty of Fish page and sure as shit I logged out and was tempted to search his screen name...I peeked at him. His whole profile page has now been changed to like 2-3 paragraphs about HIM and how he is and how great he is and how he likes to do this or that with his girl( mentioned special things he did with me..that hurt) Then went on to mention how he has been lied to by SOO many girls in his relationships that he cannot trust anyone right now...and how he hides things etc....
Anyhow it made me ill...so I shutt down the puter ..I went and sew'd up some pants for my friends son and after that got back on...to write this lovely blog entry and whine.
Hence the begining of this blog entry. Whine..waahh wahhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
goind to try and sleep. I want to cry and be held right now honestly...sigh
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Monday, February 9, 2009
...and we may have made progress ...
...sigh.
As I sit here watching Aquamarine with Grace I realize after so many months/years of being ignored by doctors about my should issues...neck issues that then led into eye problem that started during pregnancy and moved onto hand weakness and funny fingers...I NOW have a step in the right direction ...unfortunately that included a long emotional trip to the ER.
After all the tests...Neck MRI...CT Scan....etc...I have been told I more then likely have MS.
...and the battle to be the strongest mama alive continues....
As I sit here watching Aquamarine with Grace I realize after so many months/years of being ignored by doctors about my should issues...neck issues that then led into eye problem that started during pregnancy and moved onto hand weakness and funny fingers...I NOW have a step in the right direction ...unfortunately that included a long emotional trip to the ER.
After all the tests...Neck MRI...CT Scan....etc...I have been told I more then likely have MS.
...and the battle to be the strongest mama alive continues....
Friday, February 6, 2009
To everything there is a season....
...and please tell me when that season of mine will come??!
Last Saturday he called...he is trying to get into my head and/or trying to twist his way into not paying as much as I want for child support. Thing is...I might of let him off the hook on the amount had he been involved in his lil baby girls life...and asked about her..then maybe ..just maybe( enter in Borat themed voice) I just might of took the lesser.
He did not ask of Calla...not once during either conversations..its just wrong..sad. Especially when he mentions he doesn't want to pay the bigger sum because it might"dip into what he has to pay his ex wife and kids" ..well ummm...HELLO!! shes also your daughter....no difference ...well ok one difference is he walked away from her.
Anyhow.. I need to move..I need to find an affordable IN LIVABLE condition apartment or house..my search has been ongoing since last spring..still no luck. Not sure as to what is happening. The landlord sucks...and he is getting foreclosed on..fun fun...not.
Kids are good...well besides the viral sickies good. Tomorrow we are sledding up at Heidi n Mikes...girlie sledding party...should be fun...as long as she makes them all get bundled up themselves of course.
I need to find my motivation and go with it. ...like asap.
Last Saturday he called...he is trying to get into my head and/or trying to twist his way into not paying as much as I want for child support. Thing is...I might of let him off the hook on the amount had he been involved in his lil baby girls life...and asked about her..then maybe ..just maybe( enter in Borat themed voice) I just might of took the lesser.
He did not ask of Calla...not once during either conversations..its just wrong..sad. Especially when he mentions he doesn't want to pay the bigger sum because it might"dip into what he has to pay his ex wife and kids" ..well ummm...HELLO!! shes also your daughter....no difference ...well ok one difference is he walked away from her.
Anyhow.. I need to move..I need to find an affordable IN LIVABLE condition apartment or house..my search has been ongoing since last spring..still no luck. Not sure as to what is happening. The landlord sucks...and he is getting foreclosed on..fun fun...not.
Kids are good...well besides the viral sickies good. Tomorrow we are sledding up at Heidi n Mikes...girlie sledding party...should be fun...as long as she makes them all get bundled up themselves of course.
I need to find my motivation and go with it. ...like asap.
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