..thats all I feel like my brain does..is think of all the negative things in my life that it can whine about/ aka worry me.
I hate that close to everything that happens to me almost always is negative. It makes me ill really ...so ill to the point of not wanting to tell anyone anything anymore. I wind up paranoid that I will push my friends away by telling them things that have happend to me or are happening. Its like I am that friend we all get annoyed with that has nothing good to say. Dont get me wrong I WANT so damn badly to have a ton of good things to brag about but for some reason the bad just clouds that lil bit that happens...that being my kiddos. This is dragging me down as a mom...this negative life of mine. I want it to be done...all the negatives...I want the positive to start and never end.
Being scared right now is I guess normal for someone in my shoes however deep down I am scared shitless ...I cannot focus on it ...at least I can try to not focus on it. Gotta keep myself busy with my kids and crafting...cleaning but more so the kids and crafting. Lord knows I hate cleaning..lol.
Besides that I need to keep my brain off of computer land...sans my email and this blog I feel I get tempted to "check" and we all know what happens when I do...I get sick..upset...hurt all .over.again. Like for instance tonight. ...I was bored just got CBug to bed...nothing was going on online so I figured I would check my Plenty of Fish page and sure as shit I logged out and was tempted to search his screen name...I peeked at him. His whole profile page has now been changed to like 2-3 paragraphs about HIM and how he is and how great he is and how he likes to do this or that with his girl( mentioned special things he did with me..that hurt) Then went on to mention how he has been lied to by SOO many girls in his relationships that he cannot trust anyone right now...and how he hides things etc....
Anyhow it made me ill...so I shutt down the puter ..I went and sew'd up some pants for my friends son and after that got back on...to write this lovely blog entry and whine.
Hence the begining of this blog entry. Whine..waahh wahhh wahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
goind to try and sleep. I want to cry and be held right now honestly...sigh
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